Vision

One of the most useful aspects of The Four Tendencies framework is that it reveals how not to trip ourselves up. By knowing the particular effect expectations have on us – either an impulse to meet them or resist them, and by learning to distinguish between legitimate and illegitimate expectations, we can make more informed choices on how to disentangle ourselves from illegitimate expectations and how to smooth our path towards meeting the legitimate ones.

The thing about expectations is that, in this life, they will never be completely absent from anything. They will always populate our days, our relationships and our own minds.

And, because our inner reactions concerning them can be so strong and visceral, it’s really worth it to think about how we can insulate ourselves more and more from their effects, so that we can become more free to act out of Love and Identity instead – which will coincide with meeting legitimate expectations. This is what we’ve been exploring so far in the present series, titled ‘Beyond Resistance’. After going through some general principles, we’ve already entered more practical territory.

So here is a practical suggestion about how people who resist inner expectations can best engage with their ideas for the future:

Forget about ‘goals’. Go instead for Vision!

Vision is the ‘what I really want’ from a few posts ago! 😊

I’ll be frank: I’m not at all into ‘visualizing’ (or ‘manifesting’ or things like that) – so when I’m encouraging people to have or form a Vision I’m not expecting anyone to spend time visualizing it in exhaustive detail.

I have done that type of Vision exercise before, which requires you to create a detailed picture of your life, or a certain area of your life, say one or three or five years into the future, and describe everything as specifically as you can, in the present tense. It’s great stuff and I’m sure it’s been useful for many people who are wired slightly differently than I.

However, for me personally, the more detailed and specific and time-framed it is, the more it starts to feel like goals, targets and expectations. The more particular elements I add to the picture, the more I set myself up for disappointment when, in three or five years from now, they will not turn out exactly as I envisaged them. The more I talk (even to myself) about the specific details of my so-called Vision, the more I feel my resistance to expectations rising and rising.

Yes, I know about setting SMART goals. They are very useful in appropriate settings.

But the reality is that goals, no matter how smart, are just not inspiring to people who resist inner expectations! The more measurable, specific, and time-framed they are, the more they show their true expectation colours! And the more they are pushing our NO buttons.

So here is my humble suggestion for anyone who resonates with this: in our personal lives (not talking about work, deadlines, clients and profits here), let’s not trip ourselves up by setting goals for ourselves! Let’s choose to focus on a Vision instead. And, for mercy’s sake, let’s not turn that Vision into a goal and an expectation, by filling it with specific details and putting a deadline on it! That’s a sure-fire recipe for resistance.

The beauty of Vision is that we are discovering the details as we are approaching it. My contact lenses (see here if this sounds puzzling) let me see the hills further up the road: maybe I can see the treetops and the waterfall, maybe I can make out some of the brooks and the glades, maybe I can even get a glimpse of the deer frolicking among the trees, but I have no idea yet where every stone, flower, branch and path is, nor do I need to know in order to want to get there!!

For me to want to run towards my Vision, it needs to be inspiring. Inspiration thrives on Romance, not performance. It’s like running towards the gate to a beautiful garden, not like running past milestones to get over a finish line drawn in the sand.

I need to see it clear enough for me to fall in love with it, to want to get there, to not lose sight of it on the way, and to know when I’ve reached it – and no more.

The role of Vision is to create Inspiration and to kindle a burning Desire, the kind that knows how to distinguish surrogates from the real deal, and will not settle until we are completely sure we got what we actually wanted.

So, I’ve got no exercises to propose. Just the encouragement to be super, super honest with yourself. None of us are safe from falling prey to preconceived ideas about what ‘happiness’ means.

But a good tip would be: use those ‘contact lenses’ 😊. If you already have your little list of Values, see what they’re revealing – what do they bring into focus for you?

Don’t worry about being realistic and time-framed just now. Just make sure you know what you really want. Later, we’ll take the time to identify which down-to-earth approaches and actions will take us as near to our heavenly visions as we can possibly get in this life.