Action!
Great, here we are. This is the last installment of the ‘Beyond Resistance’ series.
Overcoming resistance that keeps us stuck is of course an ongoing need, and I’ll be coming back to it in the future, I’m sure. I also don’t want to miss the opportunity to remind you that there is such a thing as necessary resistance: if you come across any illegitimate expectations, put your resistance to good use and demolish them! 😊 Remember to also listen to your resistance in case it’s trying to signal to you that you might be going through depression, or in case it’s reminding you of your particular needs as a highly sensitive person (as discussed here).
But for now, I wanted to round off the series with a list of very practical ideas that have been helping me break through resistance and into action. Ah, I just noticed that the title would have really lent itself to some metaphors related to filmmaking – sorry to disappoint, this time it’s all super simple stuff rather than anything too elaborate! 😅
One of the biggest changes I have made, as a result of getting to know about my natural resistance to expectations, is to my ‘inner dialogue’ or what I tell myself on a regular basis. I realize not everyone has an inner dialogue, so this might not apply to everyone in the same measure, but still, changing the words we use around something (out loud or in our own mind) can change how we feel and therefore how we act.
I did away with the words ‘I should’. They express expectations and automatically press on my NO buttons. Why on earth should I (ha-ha) continue to speak to myself in expectations?! Also, ‘should’ is far too vague. Again, my natural response as a Rebel is ‘Why should I? Says who?’. It’s just not helpful at all.
My new friends are: ‘I want to… because...’ and ‘I need to’. How do the new words help? They keep me in touch with my Desires, my Vision and Values, and with Reality.
I have been training my mind to connect my actions with their consequences, both short-term and long-term.
Before, I used to be short-sighted on purpose. I had trained myself to ignore the consequences of my choices, in order to continue doing what I felt like in the moment. (It’s kinda the definition of “using one’s freedom to indulge the flesh”, as in Galatians 5:13!) I was doing what I wanted, but not what I really wanted. I was habitually letting the desires of my lazy, depressed, and discontented natural self get the better of the desires of the Spirit, which are the new and holy Desires that belong to my new nature (Galatians 5:17).
By saying ‘I want to… because…’, I connect the action that needs done with its good and valuable consequences. I strengthen the connection between my desired outcome and the actions which are necessary to obtain it. (For example: ‘I want to get up early, because I’ll have quiet time to pray and write’. For me, as a night person and a delayed sleep phase person, to want to get up early is huge. Of course, my ‘early’ might not be a morning person’s ‘early’, but it’s still earlier than before, and it affords me the time I need to pray and write.)
Also, by saying ‘I want to… because…’ I constantly remind myself of my values. ‘I want to declutter, because I value beauty & serenity’.
I have also been training my mind to notice, accept and stay in touch with reality.
By saying ‘I need to’ I am connecting the action with an actual, real need. I’m doing what needs to be done – not because it’s expected, although it might be legitimately expected, but because it is necessary, it’s a fact of life. Maybe you remember ‘The Four Delusions’? Getting used to noticing the real needs of our life and responding to them appropriately is a great help in dispelling the delusions and making choices in accordance with reality.
Okay, next practical idea: “Just do it.”
Yes, that’s it. Just do it, end of story. That’s all there is to it.
I’m not joking.
But so you can see that I’m not making fun of a serious situation (stubborn resistance and self-sabotage are no joke), here’s the rationale.
Resistance gets a chance to grow and accumulate when I give it space. Say the time arrives when I know a certain action needs to happen – for example, the alarm goes off in the morning: I know I need to get up from bed. If I wait even for a few seconds, if I create a space between the signal and the action, I’ve basically created an opportunity for resistance. My inner talk starts right away: “Ugh, I don’t want to get up; I’m so tired; I can’t even open my eyes I’m so tired” etc. What’s the use of that?!
Maybe you’ve heard of tricks such as the countdown: ‘5, 4, 3, 2, 1, blast off’ or something. No. If I start that sort of thing, this is what will happen: ‘5, 4, 3, forget about it, I’m staying here in bed. 10 more minutes.’
I’ve been training to go from switching off the alarm to putting my feet on the floor in the shortest time possible! I’ve chosen to completely eliminate any thinking between one and the other.
I’ve already decided that I’m going to get up at that time, so what is there to think about?
This can be applied to all our other non-negotiable tasks throughout the day. I already know what needs to be done, and I know how to do it. Pondering the task, reviewing it in my mind, thinking about how boring and annoying it is, reviewing the decision to do it now or later – all that is extremely counterproductive. I’m basically digging a ditch for myself to fall into.
Recently, when studying a bit more about procrastination and how to combat it, I came across this idea, in the app Intellect: we often choose to procrastinate because of feelings of discomfort created by our preconceived ideas about the task. Wow, how true! It’s not the task itself that creates my feelings of discomfort! It’s my preconceived ideas about it: my thoughts that the task is boring, or complicated, or otherwise unpleasant and undesirable.
And the more space I create in my mind for this sort of thoughts and preconceived ideas, the more resistance grows, and the ‘excuse machine’ spins out no end of excuses.
That’s why ‘just do it’ – literally, just do it – is the way forward.
The fact that the task is boring needn’t ever bother us in this age of podcasts and audiobooks. There’s plenty of wonderful content for us to use our ears and minds on while we are working on repetitive, ‘done it a thousand times before’, ‘just go through the motions’ tasks. I know there are some people who advise mindfulness and focusing on the repetitive motions or sensations as some sort of spiritual exercise or something, but sorry, I don’t see how ‘mindfulness’ means emptying my mind – I’d rather use the time to learn and think about interesting stuff, talk with my friends, or pray. Then, ‘time to clean the bathroom’ means ‘time to find out more on what I deeply care about’, and the resistance has evaporated.
However: how about when I’m not sure exactly how to go about what I need to do? How about when my feelings of discomfort are created by an idea that has some basis in reality: maybe the task is complicated, and maybe I don’t know exactly what the steps are?
I think, though, that there is a different idea under that idea, and it’s this second one, the subconscious preconception, that’s creating the discomfort, rather than the complexity of the task. And the subconscious preconception is that it’s not okay to be a beginner. Or that it’s not okay to be less than an expert at something.
Please notice how completely unrealistic – and therefore totally illegitimate – this inner expectation is: to already be an expert at everything.
No, I’m not an expert at everything. In fact, I’m an expert in very few things, and I’m rubbish at most things.
This realization is bound to irk many of us, and the Questioners among us most of all. 😊 It is still a fact of life. Accepting reality is the bedrock of sanity.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was any expertise ever. Why would I postpone a necessary task I’m not yet good at, and deny myself an opportunity to practice, as a beginner, and get better at it? No, I’d rather embrace it!
It’s okay to feel confused, or unsure, or to make a mistake! It’s okay to ask for help, take time to focus and think things through, and learn from mistakes! What is not okay is to let myself get stuck and paralysed by the fear of mistakes or the fear of looking less than perfect and supremely in control.
Because the honest truth is that I’m neither perfect nor perfectly in control – nor am I required to be. I’m required to make progress and get necessary things done, that’s all.
It’s okay to be a beginner. It’s fine to feel some discomfort. Just as it is necessary to accept that I will always feel some resistance, I need to accept that work often means discomfort, and just get on with it.
The next and last thing for now is this: “Rinse and repeat.”
The fact that most of my day is filled by ‘maintenance’ tasks, repetitive by nature, can feel maddening. My mind is just as addicted to interest, information, stimulation and novelty as my brain is to oxygen. I can feel resistance rising like crazy just at the idea of having to do the same things again and again and again, every morning, every afternoon, every evening, for the rest of my life! What, me, a Rebel, do ‘routines’?! Argh, my skin is crawling at the very thought of it.
But guess what. Embracing the repetitivity means embracing the ‘practice’ I mentioned in the previous point. By doing the same things again and again, I become an expert. Then they can go on ‘automatic pilot’ – and my mind becomes free to be used for interesting and creative stuff.
In my second year of high-school, Latin was on the timetable. I had some catching up to do, because for the first year I had been in a different high-school, where I hadn’t taken Latin. Now I had to pull together all my memories from the previous year before that, when I had last studied it, and apply myself to catch up. The Latin teacher was a lovely, quiet, unassuming person. Her method of teaching included repeatedly mentioning the same things about the points of grammar we encountered in the texts we were studying. I was irritated: Yes, I know already – it ends with -m, it must be the accusative, I got it!!
When end-of-term exam time arrived, I realized how foolish my irritation had been. I should’ve known better! Repetitio mater studiorum est. 😊💗 With no effort on my part, the grammar points were clear: I had heard them so often in the months before and they were ingrained in my mind. I didn’t have to spend too long puzzling out the relationships between the words: I was free to focus straight away on the meaning of the text, and how best to translate it.
Needless to say, I only had nods and smiles for my teacher from then on, whenever she repeated things about grammar. 💕
I make the bed every day. In fact, I’ve just made the bed – two paragraphs ago. 😄 (The family is now up and about.) It’s taken me all of one minute. It used to seem like such a complicated and annoying task, that I put off and often did just before bedtime! 😅 Now I’m not dreading it anymore, and can do it while thinking about the next paragraph in my article.
I still hate the word ‘routine’. But it’s ok! I have morning and evening lists instead – I love lists. 💗
So this is it: (1) Do away with the words that block you. Identify and use the words that help you instead. Keep in touch with your values and with reality. (2) ‘Just do it.’ Forget negotiating about the non-negotiable: jump straight into it and get it done with. Bust off the preconceived ideas that create icky discomfort and tempt you to procrastinate. Embrace the good discomfort of growth, the joy of being a beginner and the opportunity to practice and become an expert! (3) ‘Rinse and repeat.’ Repetitio mater studiorum est. It makes us efficient, and thus saves us precious time. It gives us mastery and sets our creativity free. What is being built, one boring brick of a necessary task at a time, is your character, obedience to the Lord & a life lived well – a masterpiece worth working for, which in good time will be revealed to be gold, silver, precious stones.
