Legitimate vs. Illegitimate Expectations

The Four Tendencies Framework is based on the distinction that people react differently to internal vs. external expectations. It is a genius observation and it’s amazing what this all actually entails! (For all the details, see Gretchen Rubin’s books.) A slew of unconscious inclinations, assumptions, attitudes, habits and patterns of behaviour can spread out through the course of our lives from those mere nudges in our hearts that spur us on to either jump through hoops or screech to a halt when any appear in our path.

These ‘nudges’ are an intimate, permanent part of our subjective life experience. We cannot remember a time when they weren’t there. Our inner impulses to either meet demands or say no to them are our ‘normal’. And they are so quietly strong, so insistent, so ever present and – same as expectations – ubiquitous, that guess what? Many people seem to hardly ever stop and ask themselves this question: Am I right to expect this of myself? Are people right to expect that of me?

In other words, although we constantly swim in a sea of expectations, set by our country’s government, our church, our boss, our parents, our spouse, peers, society at large or our own selves, the question of whether those expectations are legitimate or illegitimate is rarely the first thing that occurs to us!

In fact, never once, in reading Gretchen Rubin’s books The Four Tendencies or Better Than Before, or listening to the Happier podcast, have I come across anything that explicitly pointed out this distinction! To be frank, I haven’t been listening to the podcast in the past year or so – who knows, maybe it’s been mentioned since then? Or maybe I failed to notice it before? And to be fair, Rubin herself is an Upholder – a person who feels strongly compelled to meet both her own expectations and other people’s, so maybe hence the absence of the question? It’s understandable how someone for whom being driven by expectations seems to be working out quite well would tend not to notice the need to challenge them.

But not all expectations, as I briefly discussed in the previous post, are, in themselves, benign or even innocent. 

There is a need, and a pressing one, to challenge them. The first thing we need to learn to ask ourselves whenever we identify an expectation, no matter its source, is this: Does it have any just reason for being there in the first place?

The big lightbulb that The Four Tendencies framework lit up for me was this: I realized I have a natural inclination to resist any and all expectations alike, but since some of them are perfectly legitimate, I’d better take measures to tackle my resistance and smooth my way towards faithfully meeting them.

And, for people who naturally experience the urge to indiscriminately fulfill inner or outer expectations, it is just as important to learn to apply the breaks and not let themselves be carried away, willy-nilly, by that strong current, since it might not take them where they actually want to go. It might even end up keeping them stuck in a vicious whirlpool, or rush them off to the awful shores of exhaustion and bitterness.

It is so important to challenge expectations before considering whether we are going to act in accordance with, or in defiance of, any of our natural impulses concerning them.

But how are we to distinguish between legitimate and illegitimate ones?

The simplest definition is that legitimate expectations are the ones inherent in our identity.

E.g. I am human. It is therefore a legitimate expectation that I behave as a human, and not an animal. Animals behave according to instinct. Humans behave according to choice.

I am made in the image of God. I can legitimately be expected to reflect God’s character in my attitudes and actions.

I am an adult. It is a legitimate expectation that I work for my food. (There is a lot of nuance here, related to how ‘work’ is defined, and keeping in mind work is not necessarily a paid job; it’s also related to how able-bodied one is. The expectation, however, stands.)

I am a spouse. It is a legitimate expectation that I offer support to my spouse and share the workload of our family as equally as possible. It is a legitimate expectation that I remain at all times emotionally and sexually faithful to my spouse. It is a legitimate expectation that I do not abuse my spouse.

I am a parent. It is a legitimate expectation that I fulfill my children’s needs.

I am a child. My parents expect me to obey them, and legitimately so. (Very unpopular, this one. I speak from experience, both as a child and a parent! 😅)

I am party to a(ny sort of) contract. It is legitimately expected of me to fulfill my contractual obligations.

I am a citizen. It is legitimately expected of me to obey my country’s laws.

I am a Christian. It will legitimately be expected of me to reflect Christ’s character and prioritize His agenda.

Legitimate expectations, then, stem from identity, reality, and fact. Moreover, they are based on values which correspond to the character of God.

Illegitimate ones, however, are those whose only source is somebody’s arbitrary will, opinion, or view on ‘how things should be’. Sometimes, the ‘somebody’ the opinions belong to can be an entire society. Still, if they’re just opinions, the expectations remain illegitimate. 

Also, a closer look at them always reveals that whoever is setting them up has made a value and a priority out of things which do not deserve it, because they are not the values and the priorities that the Bible attributes to God. (Regardless of what some self-proclaimed religious authorities might have you believe.)

Learning to distinguish between fact and opinion, and between godly and ungodly values, is therefore key in learning to recognize illegitimate expectations. 

Here are a few more examples of this very important contrast, just so we get more used to noticing it: 

Legitimate – the expectation that I pay for an item before taking it home from the shop. Or doing my fair share of the chores at home. Or, when I was a teenager, telling my mother where I was going and when I was planning to be back home. All these stem from identity. My identity is also the source of things like: getting a working knowledge of the Bible and its theology; feeding and washing my children; spending time with my spouse; fulfilling the requirements of my job description at work; keeping within speed limits when driving, etc. (Personally, I don’t drive, I’m not an employee, and I have only one child, but you get my drift.) Even more subtle things like: listening to my friends, offering my seat on the bus to a more frail person, etc. All of these are based on our identity – on different aspects of it which either we were born with (such as being human, or residents of a certain country) or we have freely chosen for ourselves (such as believing in Jesus, getting married, having children, becoming party to a certain contract).

Illegitimate – a parent’s expectation that their child should embrace a certain profession, or obtain a certain degree; a boss’s expectation that we put in unpaid overtime at work; a group’s expectation that we volunteer yet again for an optional job which will take away time from legitimate needs; my own standards of unfailing perfection; keeping up appearances; keeping up with the Joneses.

The character of the expectations, then, is what gives positive or negative value to meeting or resisting them. If we find that our natural resistance to expectations leads us to go against the legitimate ones, and to neglect our duties, the results will bring us into the realm of negative consequences pretty quickly. Conversely, illegitimate expectations have no business being around, and the sooner we oppose them and unmask them for what they are, the better.

Illegitimate expectations can and should be resisted and rejected. The quicker the people who are trying to impose them on us are disappointed and learn not to expect those things from us anymore, the better. A great added benefit is that learning to weed out illegitimate expectations will create plenty of time and space for us to fulfill legitimate needs and duties. It will eliminate unnecessary stress from our minds, and it will bring us surprising amounts of peace and satisfaction.