Moving Along
I’m so keen to reach the point in our discussion where we go through super-practical, day-to-day ‘what to do’ ideas for dealing with Resistance! But all the dos and don’ts in the world will not help us if the foundation for them is not first firmly laid in our minds. We don’t need any more ‘rules’ or ‘tips and tricks’!
What Rebels say is ‘I don’t want to feel like I’m tricking myself into doing things’.
What I’ve heard Obligers say is ‘I don’t want to be dependent on outer accountability for meeting inner expectations!’. That’s because in this case it’s just one more of those ‘tricks’, and people are tired of tricks. Of course, because outer expectations have such a strong pull on Obligers, outer accountability can be a great shortcut for achieving inner goals! It may be just what you need as an Obliger – a total ‘silver bullet’. Or, it may not. Because from what I hear from them, many Obligers are tired of obliging. It’s not something they particularly like about themselves, much as they are lovers of people! And to keep on obliging others, even into matters of personal and intimate importance, such as doing things for themselves – I see how that can quickly get old and feel completely exhausting.
If it works for you – do it!! Far be it from me or anyone to stop you. Get that outer accountability in place and do the things you feel you should do!
Rebels, much as they hate it, generally need outer accountability too. Even if just because of the fact that everyone does. It does us really good to have people around who know what we are about and are ready to call us out when they see we’re going astray (speaking from experience there!).
Outer accountability is a good and necessary ingredient of our lives. But if you don’t really want it butting into your inner expectations all the time, you’re in the right place. If you don’t want to feel anymore like you’re tricking yourself into doing things, please keep reading.
Because I’m all about dealing with Resistance in different ways – ways that work for us, the ones who naturally resist inner expectations.
We’ve covered the helpful side of Resistance in the first two parts dedicated to it: by closely listening to the messages it has for us, we can identify and eliminate any illegitimate expectations that have been weighing us down unnecessarily, and we can identify possible specific needs related to our personality make-up or the stage of life we’re going through.
We’ve now reached the point where we are looking at the not-so-helpful side of Resistance. The instinctive resistance Rebels experience towards all expectations, and Obligers towards inner ones, does not discriminate between legitimate or illegitimate, real or imaginary, realistic or totally un-. (That’s a job for our Reason.) So what do we do then when we find ourselves resisting legitimate expectations, the fulfillment of which the more we oppose, run away from, postpone or otherwise deny, the deeper and deeper into trouble we get?!
Speaking of foundational principles, here’s the next one on our list: acceptance of reality. What I mean by reality here is the hardwiring of our brain. The brain has amazing plasticity, but some things about the way it works are built-in and don’t budge. Resistance to expectations is one of them. It doesn’t care that those might be legitimate expectations and we’ll sooner or later get into trouble if we don’t do the stuff.
Our first step in learning to minimize this unhelpful Resistance is to accept that it will always be there.
For Rebels, that applies to all expectations, internal or external, and it can be a right pest. It can lead to very unpleasant phenomena, for themselves and for those around them, such as: constant contrariness; excuses; procrastination; addiction (not only to substances); anything to avoid fulfilling the dreaded expectations. However, we are absolutely not alone when it comes to Unpleasant Phenomena of the Four Tendencies! 😁 Upholders have the Tightening, Questioners the Analysis Paralysis, and Obligers the Resentment – to name just some of the most obvious pitfalls of those Tendencies, though by far not the only ones. They have their own ever present realities and need to learn to navigate them.
As for us Rebels, we will always feel Resistance.
Using the ideas we are unfolding in this series, I believe we can lessen its power on us considerably. However, no matter how much we may be able to reduce it, it will always be there.
But we are not its slaves.
We can choose to act while still feeling (some of the) Resistance.
I acknowledge it’s there – and I move right on. Behaviour is choice, and we have more freedom than we sometimes imagine. We can choose to do the right thing, while still feeling resistance.
Accepting that we will always be experiencing it simply means accepting ourselves as we are – a good and healthy thing if there ever was one.
Choosing to do the right thing in spite of it, however, means exercising two even deeper truths about who we are as humans: Freedom and Responsibility. We do not let ourselves be turned into victims of our circumstances (the ‘oh dear, I was born a Rebel, what can you expect’ or ‘oh no, I cannot possibly be looking after myself or figure out what I want, I need to make sure everyone else is happy first’ type of thing).
In the next installments, I’ll be sharing the ways I have found to help me choose to act even while the Resistance is still there. I believe they will be of help to many Rebels and Obligers, and in fact to anyone who is looking for something else rather than expectations to be moving them along the path of life.
