Two Questions

The previous part dealt with the idea that, before we discuss how to reduce our resistance to inner expectations in order to make easier progress on things that matter to us, it is important to realize that Resistance can be an amazing ally. 

I compared Resistance with a two-edged sword: if we persist in resisting legitimate inner expectations we end up hurting ourselves, but if we use it well, for debunking illegitimate, unrealistic inner expectations, it’s invaluable.

To change gears on my metaphor a little (ha ha), Resistance acts like a break. It’s what slows us down when faced with expectations. “Maybe that’s a good thing”, as K.T. Tunstall sings. We can actually be certain that it is a good thing. This is always what I’m going on about: it is so GOOD to stop and think before rushing to meet expectations. There is NO inherent value in meeting expectations. It all depends on what is actually being expected/demanded of us. It seems extremely obvious, but when I see the high numbers of Obligers (and sometimes Rebels) who post on Better and comment to let people know how they are struggling with their Tendency and feel unhappy and would rather be Upholders – as if that’s gonna solve their problems, I realize that this needs to be spelled out and reiterated quite frequently.

Resistance is good. Resistance can be a huge challenge. But it is good and very, very helpful! It can keep us from unthinkingly beginning our rush into the race (a lot of the rush we see around us nowadays is going nowhere fast).

When I talk with my daughter about impulse control, I remind her how making even a tiny little pause between action and reaction can help her make better decisions about what she can do in response to what’s happening around her.

Resistance creates that pause for us in relation to expectations. We can use the space it gives us to listen, get insight, and make informed decisions about whether and how we are going to meet certain demands.

If you are finding particularly hard to overcome resistance to inner expectations, please listen carefully to what your resistance is trying to tell you, and, besides what we’ve been talking about in the previous part, do your best to discern any answers to these two specific questions:

Are you a Highly Sensitive Person?

and

Are you depressed?

Let’s start with being an HSP. I learned about it not very long ago, and when I looked it up, all sorts of lightbulbs began to light up in my mind! At the beginning, it was just in relation to my daughter. I had noticed ever since she was a baby how her reactions to various things were different than what I expected (ahem). It was puzzling. It was quite tricky for me to understand some of her needs, since they were different from what I was expecting. I recognized them and responded to them the best way I could, but I did not understand them. Well, reading about what it means to be an HSP I understood them. I shared my amazed and joyful discovery with my husband. He says, ‘Oh yeah, of course! I’m an HSP too. I have the book somewhere’. Whaaat!? And why didn’t you tell me, man?!?! 😆😅

I won’t go into the details here about High Sensitivity – but if you are not yet familiar with it please do read about it. Even if you decide it doesn’t apply to you, and it is not one of the things that your Resistance is trying to talk to you about, it is really necessary to be informed about it, since up to 1 in 5 people are like that and you’re very likely to bump into those people on a daily basis. 

It is also important to be aware that High Sensitivity “is a normal temperament variation found in 20% of the population and, by itself, does not cause impairment or distress” (as they say here). Much like being an Obliger or a Rebel, etc, High Sensitivity is a normal temperament variation, and, in the same way we make adjustments to how we work, or how we work with others, in keeping with our or their Tendency, we need to adapt our ways to function well as Highly Sensitive Persons. Maybe your Resistance is telling you that certain safeguards need to be put in place in your everyday schedule and environments?

Upon further reading, I discovered that HS also applied to me as well as my husband and child, but since some of our sensitivities were about different things, it had not occurred to me that all three of us were sharing this trait. Incidentally, we’re all Rebels as well. There’s a lot of variation within a Tendency and within High Sensitivity, so please do not easily dismiss either even if you seem to be different from most other people with the same broad characteristic.

Going to the next question, on a surface level we might feel we are all much more familiar with what it means to be clinically depressed. However, a lot of people who would quickly recognize depression in others can completely miss the tell-tale signs in themselves, and vice-versa: they have recognized their own depression but fail to notice it in someone else. Again, it is extremely worthwhile to take the time and make sure we understand how depression can manifest. Not everyone is sad and crying. ‘Feeling blank’ or indifferent towards most things, including oneself, is a big tell. Your so-called ‘resistance’, or ‘not feeling like’ doing stuff that you feel you should, might not be simply the effect of your normal Rebel and Obliger tendency. It might be a sign that something bigger needs to be addressed.

Getting insight into the answer to both these questions and making the necessary changes in response is essential if we are to be able to use our Resistance well, and overcome it when needed.

In the next installments of this series, I’ll be moving on to discussing how to minimize the impact our Resistance has on us in the process of fulfilling legitimate demands.