Whoosh!

Well, here we go. Resistance, a darling friend and intimate acquaintance – at least for some of us.

You know already what I will say first! 😄 Are those expectations legitimate or illegitimate? (Go here for a discussion of the concept, if this is new to you.)

Resistance, much as it often gets us in a muddle, is actually a marvellously sharp two-edged sword, a valuable weapon that we are called to get skilled at wielding.

We often get sore wounds by falling prey to resisting our legitimate inner expectations, but my, isn’t it amazing to let this great sword give a mighty whoosh and shatter illegitimate expectations to smithereens?!? That’s what Resistance was given to us for!! 😃

There are so many illegitimate expectations out there. And loads of them are inner ones. We constantly burden ourselves with utterly spurious “shoulds”! Why on earth are we doing that?! Well, there can be many answers, but let me tell you now: they are all excuses. Yes, we might have had demanding parents who were never pleased. Yes, we are a sponge for what our culture tells us we should be like, look like, act like, think like. Etc, etc. So what? We are responsible adults now, and we need to be employing our own faculties to identify what all the messages behind the “shoulds” are, and to discern the truth from the lies.

Here is a truth for a starter, food for thought: all unrealistic expectations are illegitimate expectations.

I will say it again. All unrealistic expectations are illegitimate expectations.

I had started to elaborate the point with examples, but I changed my mind. I think it’s actually better if we all elaborate for ourselves. Make a list. Then, as often as you identify another one, add it to the ‘Off with their heads!!!’ list. It’s a very necessary work, and only you know what totally unrealistic things you are demanding of yourself.

It’s actually a good idea: replace the word ‘expectations’ with the word ‘demands’. Some of us are more prone than others to jump onto the hamster wheel the moment they feel like they detect an expectation, but what if we called them ‘demands’ (which they are)?

We are all less inclined to give way to ‘demands’ without a thorough examination. What are you demanding of yourself? Is it realistic? Really? Be honest with yourself and don’t be afraid of that sword. Bust the bunk. Bust also the excuses.

I’ll still go through an example. Let’s say I made a habit of staying up late but I really have to get up early each morning, and the result is I’m always getting 5 hours of sleep, if that. Is it realistic to demand of myself to be functioning well, be bright, cheerful and kind, do good work and meet deadlines, and keep on going in this manner indefinitely all on my habitual 5 hours of sleep? No. It’s completely unrealistic, therefore this demand/expectation is totally illegitimate. Wait a minute, do you mean I have permission to be sloppy, snappy and skip on work and deadlines?! Ha. Nope. The expectations I have of myself to be functioning as well as I can, to be kind to everyone, to do my work well and fulfill my contractual obligations – all these are legitimate expectations. They are all based in my identity as a human, parent, friend, employee, etc. I am right to expect those things of myself, and I need to make sure I fulfill my responsibilities. The unrealistic thing is that I give myself much too short of a “sleep opportunity” to quote Matthew Walker. That’s the thing that needs to be busted. That’s the illegitimate expectation. What are the excuses I come up with for depriving myself of this fundamental requirement of human existence? Bust those too.

Let’s wrap up here for now, but please stay tuned for more. 😊